Happy New Year!
I know that I am a week late but I wanted to take a little time to reflect on my 2017. To put it bluntly… it sucked. Steven and I had gone through a few tough years but when 2017 started, I felt like it was our year. Unfortunately, the universe didn’t agree. I believe that the Lord has a plan for everyone and the He never gives you more than you can handle. In 2017, I found out just how much the Lord thinks I can take and how true it is that everything happens for a reason.
In May, Steven and I found out that we were expecting. We were so excited because we had been trying for about 5 years and it was finally happening. Just over a week after getting our pregnancy confirmed, I woke up one morning to insane cramping. It was so bad that I was laying in my bed in the fetal position; I could not move. When I was finally able to get up to use the bathroom, I realized what was happening; we were miscarrying. All we had wanted was a baby and we were losing it. That night we went to the hospital and we were told that we had in fact lost the baby. But here comes the “happens for a reason” part… The doctor came into our room and asked me if I was diabetic. I said no. As far as I knew, I was not. She informed me that my blood sugar was very high and it was too early in my pregnancy for it to be gestational. Miscarrying is a sad moment and it’s not something that you just get over, but in this case, my body was telling me that something was very wrong. I will admit that I am not someone that goes to the doctor; I have to be on the verge of death to go into a hospital or to the doctor. I definitely would not have found out about my blood sugar if I didn’t get pregnant and miscarry. I probably would’ve ended up in a very dangerous situation because I didn’t know.
All of this kind of put my year on hold. I became very depressed; I didn’t even want to get out of bed. There would be days where I would just lay in bed with the lights off and stare at the ceiling. I had no motivation to live. I was a mess. I was at my absolute worst. I woke up one morning and I deleted my whole website, and I didn’t care.
While all of this was happening, Steven was continuing his efforts to get back into active duty. For those of you that don’t know, Steven was in active duty and soon after his deployment, his active contract ended. Steven felt like he needed some time for himself, so he went into the National Guard. Just over a year into that contract, he decided he wanted to go back to active duty. He missed the everyday grind and the tanks. It was a process to get back in because the National Guard did not want to let him go. It was a huge struggle and I can’t imagine the stress he was under dealing with that and with me. My husband is truly heaven-sent.
In October, I started my blog back up with new posts, everything that was on the site earlier in the year was gone. I didn’t back up anything when I deleted the site. I know that was stupid, but I wasn’t in a good state of mind at the time. I still wasn’t in October, I just knew that I needed to be doing something. But it didn’t last long; I wasn’t ready to be posting again. I decided to take the rest of the year to really think about what I wanted and how I wanted to go about getting it.
At the end of November, Steven officially got back in active duty and we moved to Georgia. It was truly a welcomed end to a crappy year. 2017 taught me that I am stronger than I thought. It also taught me that I can’t control everything and its okay to take the time for myself. I am walking into 2018 feeling confident and focused. I am so ready to get back to what I love and to continue sharing those loves with all of you.